And Joseph Gribble is sacked for another loss.
Common name. No relation.
Come on, we're still in this game.
Just two touchdowns, a couple of two-point conversions,
an onside kick, and we're just a field goal behind.
Come on, let's make some noise!
Boo!
Go, Arlen!
Go, Arlen.
Oh, here come the cheerleaders.
You think maybe they will do a real cheer just this once?
All right, ladies, let's go! * Here we go! *
* It's Tricky to rock a rhyme *
* To rock a rhyme that's right on time *
* It's Tricky *
How's that firing anybody up?
Use the mascot!
Look at Bobby.
He's just twiddling his hooves.
* Tr-Tr-Tr-Tricky, Tricky... *
And that's the ball game!
The Longhorns lose their fourth straight.
Principal Moss... who drives a black Altima
usually parked in front of the school...
thanks you for attending.
* That's right on time, it's Tricky, it's tricky... *
Whatever happened to cheerleaders
actually cheering?
Alice Bullard.
She was the best cheer coach
I have ever seen.
And she was 98 years old.
I wonder whatever happened to that woman. You know, I remember
my junior year in a game against Belton.
I just didn't have it, but then our cheerleaders
started their "Be Aggressive" cheer,
and I was, and we won.
Hank, I'm going to do us all a favor.
I am gonna help that new cheerleading coach get her act together.
I really did stay sweet.
Peggy Hill at your service.
Great. Grab a handle... this thing weighs a ton.
Wow, I feel like I'm already making an impact.
Now, how else can I help you get the cheerleaders on track?
On track? Does this look like the vest of a coach who's not on track?
FYI, we've had two wins
at the Slim-Fast Invitational,
and one at Tampax.
Yes, yes, very impressive.
But I have noticed that the cheerleaders
are not really spending any time backing the football team.
The cheer squad doesn't get trophies
for how good the football team does.
We get 'em for Motion and Dance,
Basket Tosses, Jumps,
and Attitude!
You know, cheerleading has changed since your day.
Wait...
you never had a day, did you?
You weren't a cheerleader.
No, but only because people who thought they knew me,
but clearly did not, would not let me.
Welcome aboard!
Oh, and that mat has to go all the way over there.
So Peggy's gonna help coach the cheerleaders at Landry.
She says they're gonna do real cheers.
Good, but what we need to do is get rid of Principal Moss.
Maybe I should put bourbon in his thermos
and try to knock him off the wagon.
Don't worry, he can't hide behind improved test scores forever.
Hank! Dinner!
Excuse me, fellas.
I've got to go have dinner with a cheerleader.
Why does everything good happen to Hank?
Cheerleaders.
Why does everybody think they're so special?
I could be covering the debate tournament finals right now.
Your mom's a cheerleader?
Wow!
I thought that was just more of her big talk.
Maybe she really did see Dan Rather at the mall.
Okay, girls, who's ready to make some noise?
Right. Our first lesson will be how to make some noise.
I don't have time for this.
I need a new top-of-the-pyramid.
We've just lost our lightest girl to homeschooling.
Problem understood and solved.
But how?
Connie,
how would you like to be the top of the pyramid?
- Huh? - And...
Nice hang time.
You want to be a cheerleader?
Me?! Are you kidding?!
Hey, smart girl from my algebra class,
why are you dressed like a cheerleader?
Because I, um... am a cheerleader.
Cool. Well, you want to come to a sleep-over?
We're gonna sit around and make fun of everybody.
Cheer One this is Cheer Two.
If you can hear me, give me a "Y."
Oh, you could not look any cuter if you were dangling a kitten.
It's amazing... I put on this outfit, and it's, like...
What's the opposite of invisible?
I've never had to know.
Thank you, Mrs. Hill.
Okay, girls, who's ready
to turn this mother out?!
M.C. Hammer is!
Get in formation.
Or...
we could get the crowd into the game.
How about a cheer?
Go... Longhorns!
Peggy, the last thing we need
is for our cheerleaders to be distracted by the game.
What I do need
is for you to find my purse.
Find your purse? Yes.
Oh, and go tell Karen Smelko I said hi.
She's on the fourth row up, not counting the first row.
: I will get the purse, but I am undecided
on the greeting.
Sorry I'm late... took longer than I thought
to wash the eggs off my car.
Sorry I'm late... it took longer than I thought
to egg Moss's car.
Hey, Peggy, shouldn't you be down there
spelling things with your arms?
No, Hank, I have a different job.
Karen Smelko?
Arlen has the ball, fourth and goal...
and they're going for it!
They haven't converted a fourth down all season.
They're gonna need the crowd behind them.
Okay, let's take a break.
We've got our '80s Mega-Mix coming up.
Where are they going?
They're braiding each other's hair?!
That does it!
Arlen, Arlen,
fight, fight, fight!
Push that ball with all your might!
Come on!
Let's help our boys before it's too late!
Arlen, Arlen, fight, fight, fight!
Push that ball with all your might!
Arlen, Arlen, fight, fight, fight!
Push that ball with all your might!
You heard them... let's push that ball with all your might!
Ho, yeah!
Hey, Hank, your wife just reminded me
of why I love football... winning!
See, Moss?
We need more of that and less of this.
...and because of you and your chanting,
Francine just nailed a standing back flip that no one saw!
That was something, Peggy.
Look, how would you like to replace Jo Rita
as the cheerleading coach?
Me? Well, I...
Excuse me one moment.
Peggy, you know we're supposed
to keep this channel open for uniform emergencies.
Sorry, I just wanted you to give Karen Smelko a message from me.
Principal Moss just made me the new cheerleading coach!
What?! I...
Attention, ladies.
Where's Jo Rita?
It is not important where she is.
What is important is why she is not here.
Why is she not here?
Because she did not understand the role of a cheerleader:
To get the fans fired up,
to bring the crowd into the game,
to give our team the extra edge
that can turn a narrow defeat into a certain victory.
Do we still get to wear our uniforms
to school on Fridays?
Yes.
Okay.
Arlen, Arlen, fight, fight, fight!
Push that ball with all your might.
Whoo! Yeah!
What ball is she talking about?
Do the two-point conversion cheer!
Hey, there, coach, whatcha gonna do?
Are you going to kick or go for two?
Perhaps I didn't set that up properly.
We would do that cheer after we've scored,
but only when it would be advantageous
for us to get two points.
Once again from the top.
Hey, there, coach...
Well, this is all going to hell.
Oh, man.
I can't have bored kids at an assembly.
It's asking for trouble.
I'm going to cue the band.
Oh, no! No! Not the band!
Okay, I can't save the cougar for the finale.
Misty, put this on and chase your tail like an idiot.
It won't fit!
Yes, it will. It'll fit.
Come on. It's for the team!
Yeah, kill that cougar!
Yeah! Yeah! Choke it!
Quick, everybody, beat the crap out of Misty!
What?
Stupid!
Kick its butt, Connie!
Ladies, I have learned something today.
People like violence.
From now on we will demoralize their teams
by systematically mock-secuting their mascots.
Everyone, take a knife!
Is it stab-and-stab?
No, it's stab and a-stab.
Okay, let's have a run-through.
Misty, get in the cougar costume.
The costume smells like a butt.
And it's really more of a job for an ugly girl.
I'll do it!
Hey, there, hi, there, we won't gloat.
We'll stab the cougar in the throat
And when at last the cougar's dead,
we'll make him see red red red red!
I am slain!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
I'm so...
cold.
No hats in the lunchroom, Dooley.
Take it off.
I'll die in these horns.
Hey, Peggy!
Why don't you sit with us today?
Sweet Jesus. The cool table.
Oh, I'm sorry, Jo Rita.
Pull up the stepladder.
You know, Jo Rita, I could use some help.
You want me to find your purse?
I want you to be my assistant.
I'd love to.
So, Peggy, give us the scoop.
What have you got planned for the Yellow Jackets
this weekend?
Well, we have this yellow jacket costume
and we're going to put someone in it
and we're going to stab it!
That's it? Another stabbing?
Hey, maybe doing the same thing over and over again
will be our thing.
It won't be boring.
No! It'll be comforting!
Ladies, we have a problem.
Knife play is just not enough anymore.
Ideas! Yellow Jacket! Go!
We could rip open its thorax
and stuff it with its own abdomen?
Bobby, how is your death rattle?
Great! Now, who do we play after that?
The Boswell Bears.
Okay, okay. Now, how do you make a bear suffer?
Tie it up and torture its young.
There's no mascot we can't torture.
Okay, Jo Rita, who's next?
The Tornados.
How are you going to kill a tornado?
Shoot it.
Good news.
Because of all the school spirit,
game attendance is up.
I know!
The ushers cannot keep up with the after-game garbage.
Yeah, but none of this will mean anything
unless we beat McMaynerbury at Homecoming.
Peggy, I'm giving you the halftime show.
It will be my finest hour.
Now, who is McMaynerbury?
The Fighting Irish.
Fighting, fighting...
fi... fly... flying...
fly on the wall...
Maybe the other part... the Irish,
That's got to be fertile territory.
Irish, Irish, flyrish.
No, don't force it.
Let it come to you, Peggy.
People have made fun of the Irish in the past.
Maybe you can build on their work.
You know, my husband keeps
several ethnic joke books in the bathroom.
I'll find something good.
Longhorns! Longhorns!
And that's the end of the first half,
with the Longhorns leading 31-2!
Well, the playoffs are a lock.
Peggy says the halftime show
is going to be high school caliber.
Okay, girls, this is it.
Misty, grab the rainbow.
Everyone else get out your shillelaghs.
Beating sticks.
Where's Jo Rita?
The buckets of blood are in her car.
All right! Go! Go!
I'm so glad you could make it, Mr. Flannery,
Mr. Finnerty, Mrs. O'Brien-Diaz.
And now if you'll direct your attention to the 50-yard line
for a special presentation by the Longhorn cheerleaders!
Here, use my binoculars.
I brought enough for everybody.
Top of the morning to ya, Arlen!
I'm Irish!
I hope I don't die
from a wee bit of the consumption!
Sorry, Fighting Irishman, but your jig is up!
Beat him! Get him!
Beat him! Beat him! Beat him! Beat him!
Are they ever coming out of there?
I bet they're trying
to keep the quarterback from crying.
My legs have fallen asleep.
Oh! Ah!
Okay. We are in their heads.
Right now,
they are in there wishing they joined the tennis team.
Uh, Peggy, The Fighting Irish ain't coming out.
Oh, my God.
We have cheered them into submission!
Actually, they're protesting the game.
What? Why?
'Cause of what you did to that leprechaun.
Peggy, they're saying you committed a hate crime.
Aw, there goes me liver.
I can't believe
the school board is thinking about
taking our win away.
As long as we stand firm,
we've got nothing to worry about.
Now, I can take a joke as well as the next person,
but Peggy Hill has gone too far.
What she did on that field
is no different than what the British have been doing
to our brothers in Ulster
for the last 800 years...
the forced labor, the seizure of property,
the stifling and oppression of our precious mother tongue.
Longadh beatha Eire a Cliamhuinn a Eire!!
I have no idea what he just said,
but I do know that McMaynerbury refused to play.
They forfeited the game.
And after the game,
someone called me "Pat" in the parking lot.
It is my name,
but they had no way of knowing that.
This ain't good, Moss.
They're going to take away our win.
Do something.
Now, hold on.
It'd be a shame to take this win away from our boys
just' cause of Peggy.
That would be blaming the victim!
What?! You were all behind me
when it was the Cougars and the Bears and the Mudhawks.
It would have been disrespectful of me
not to bludgeon the Irishman.
Peggy, shush.
Whatever the board decides,
I want you to know, I am proud of you.
And maybe I did get caught up
in my own popularity and lose my focus,
because it's really not about
torture or beatings, or maiming per se.
It's about backing your team and inspiring them to victory.
Good news, Peggy. They let us keep our "W."
We're going to the playoffs!
Woo-hoo! The big dance!
Well, don't worry, my team is ready.
Sorry, Peggy.
I'm going to have to ask you
to stop using words like "team" and "my."
I'm putting Jo Rita back in charge.
What? Jo Rita?!
Now, you can keep teaching Spanish,
but we're going to have to keep an eye out in
case you decide to go after those people.
This is crazy.
The only thing I hate is watching dance routines
while our team loses another game.
Peggy, why don't you show these girls how to lose gracefully.
I will not.
And if I go, the cheerleaders will go
in a V-formation right behind me.
Right, girls?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill,
but we like being cheerleaders... a lot.
We feel so bad.
You, too, Connie?
I can't go back.
I'm sorry.
We'll need you to turn in your vest...
you know, for future coaches named Peggy.
Uh, Peggy,
me and the boy have worked up a little something here.
2-4-6-8, who should the Longhorns appreciate?
Mom! Mom! Mom!
I got great seats.
I told you, I'm not going to the game.
After all I did, nobody stood up and said,
"I know Peggy Hill and she's no hate monger."
They all just cut and ran.
Even Connie.
You know who didn't turn their back on you, Peggy?
The team.
Dang it, this is the big game!
What happens when the other side yells,
"We've got spirit, yes we do,
we've got spirit, how about you?"
Well, Peggy,
how 'bout you?
Sorry, Mrs. Hill.
Principal Moss gave me strict orders not to let you in.
What? That's ridiculous!
Stay out of this, sir.
Our beef's not with you.
And the cheerleaders seem to be doing another human pyramid.
Oh! The Arlen quarterback gets leveled!
Come on, girls, I'm only seeing freak.
I want to see super-freak!
* Get up on this *
* Push it *
* Get up on this... *
Connie, focus!
* Push it *
* Get up on this... *
This is the playoffs, for God's sakes.
My bullhorn!
What are you doing?
Someone has to light a fire under this crowd.
Connie, get back in formation this instant,
or you can say good-bye to the uniform
and a guaranteed seven candid photos in the yearbook.
This season's been some kind of roller coaster, folks.
We've have losing streaks...
Ready, okay.
When I say go, you say Longhorns.
Go...
Longhorns!
Arlen, Arlen...
Wait, Hank, do you hear that?
Push that ball with all your might!
- Arlen, Arlen... - I taught Connie that cheer.
...fight, fight, fight!
Push that ball with your might.
Seems like there's a rally going on in the Landry stands...
The fans are going nuts and Gribble's running downfield...
Aw, there goes me liver!